How Do Passive-Aggressive People Act?

Passive-aggressive behavior is a familiar yet elusive form of interpersonal conflict. The sigh after being asked a favor, the “Oh, I’m fine” delivered through clenched teeth, or the mysteriously forgotten deadline that derails a team project—all are classic examples. Most of us recognize passive-aggression when we see it, but few grasp its psychological roots or know how to respond effectively.

At Nurture Your Nature Psychotherapy, we frequently meet clients from across the city—whether they prefer Brooklyn Psychotherapy in-person sessions, Online Therapy Brooklyn offers, or the guidance of a skilled Brooklyn Therapist—who struggle either to live with passive-aggressive partners, relatives, and coworkers, or to break their own ingrained passive-aggressive patterns. This article digs deep into what passive-aggression looks like, why it emerges, how it harms relationships, and which evidence-based strategies can transform corrosive conflicts into open dialogue and genuine collaboration.

Defining Passive-Aggression

Passive-aggression is behavior that masks hostility or resistance behind indirect, often socially acceptable actions. Instead of expressing anger or disagreement openly, a passive-aggressive individual resorts to subtle digs, procrastination, sarcasm, or willful inefficiency. The aggression stays “passive” because it avoids overt confrontation, yet it is unmistakably “aggressive” in its intent to control, punish, or undermine.

Psychologists include passive-aggression under the broader umbrella of covert aggression—behavior that violates other people’s rights without crossing the line into outright violence or explicit insults. Though not classified as a standalone mental disorder in the DSM-5, passive-aggressive traits commonly accompany personality concerns such as avoidant, dependent, or borderline tendencies. Recognizing this complexity is crucial: labeling someone simply “difficult” ignores hidden anxieties, shame, and unmet needs that often drive the behavior.

A Brief Psychological History

The term passive-aggressive emerged during World War II. Military psychiatrists noticed certain soldiers resisted orders not by open insubordination, but by chronic lateness, “forgetting” equipment, or executing tasks so poorly that superiors were forced to intervene. These soldiers outwardly complied yet inwardly rebelled, sabotaging from within.

Later theorists like Karen Horney and Otto Kernberg expanded on the concept, linking passive-aggression to early experiences of punitive caretaking. If a child’s anger was forbidden, they might learn to bury strong feelings, releasing them obliquely through sulking or stubbornness. Today, passive-aggression is recognized in marital research, workplace studies, and social-media analysis as a common—but addressable—breaker of trust.

Core Traits and Tell-Tale Behaviors

Below are hallmark signs that, taken in context and recurring over time, point to a passive-aggressive style:

Not all occasional sulking is pathological. Everyone slips into indirect communication at times. Passive-aggression becomes problematic when it’s the dominant response to conflict, eroding transparency in a relationship.

Passive-Aggression in Family Dynamics

Home life is fertile ground for passive-aggressive habits because family members know each other’s vulnerabilities. A teenage son who feels over-controlled may agree to clean his room but “forget” repeatedly. A spouse simmering over financial decisions may schedule important bill payments right before the due date, causing late fees.

Such patterns trigger a vicious cycle: the avoided conflict never gets addressed, frustration builds, and each party escalates defensiveness or covert retaliation. Children raised in these atmospheres often inherit the same dance, later struggling in romantic partnerships and friendships.

Parenting Pitfalls

Parents sometimes model passive-aggression by masking anger in guilt-laden remarks: “Fine, I’ll do it myself…again.” Though meant to spur action, this comment teaches blame rather than collaboration. Conversely, children conditioned to avoid open displeasure may bottle resentment, leading to academic or social withdrawal. Brooklyn Psychotherapy often begins with unpacking these early scripts and practicing direct emotional language.

The Silent Saboteur at Work

Modern offices possess unique stressors—tight deadlines, power hierarchies, and cross-cultural communication—that inflate passive-aggressive friction. Common manifestations include:

• Email Sniping: adding unnecessary higher-ups to minor critique emails.

• Meeting Cynicism: undercutting ideas with back-channel comments.

• Deadline Dragging: knowing delays will embarrass a colleague.

Data from organizational-psychology studies show passive-aggression reduces team cohesion and drains productivity. Managers often mislabel it as simple disengagement, overlooking the underlying resentments.

Remote-Work Complications

With the rise of digital collaboration, sarcasm or intentional vagueness translates poorly through text, exacerbating misunderstandings. Online Therapy Brooklyn clients working in tech or media frequently process Zoom-era workplace conflicts, learning to substitute assumption with assertive video check-ins and clear, written boundaries.

Social and Digital Dimensions

In a social-media ecosystem obsessed with polite positivity, passive-aggression thrives. Consider these examples:

• Subtweeting: posting vague complaints clearly aimed at a friend.

• “Liking” an Announcement with a snarky emoji.

• Ghosting after an apparent connection.

Because online cues are stripped of tone and context, recipients expend mental energy decoding intention, stirring anxiety. Digital passive-aggression, if habitual, fosters distrust and harms online community health.

Why People Resort to Passive-Aggression

Understanding motivation invites compassion and strategy. Common psychological drivers include:

1. Fear of Conflict – Confrontation might trigger abandonment or punishment.

2. Low Self-Esteem – Direct requests feel undeserved, so anger leaks sideways.

3. Learned Helplessness – Childhood experiences taught that speaking up is futile.

4. Cultural Conditioning – Some cultures value harmony over frankness, creating conflict between authenticity and acceptance.

5. Power Imbalance – Employees, partners, or children with less formal power deploy passive means to reassert control.

A trusted Brooklyn Therapist helps clients untangle these threads, reframing indirect communication as a solvable skill deficit rather than a moral failing.

Emotional and Relational Costs

Passive-aggression corrodes trust because it hides true feelings. Targets often feel gaslighted, unsure whether to address a slight or chalk it up to misunderstanding. Over time, ambiguity depletes emotional safety, fostering resentment and disengagement. Intimate partners report:

• Decreased satisfaction and sexual intimacy.

• Escalating cycles of blame and withdrawal.

• Higher rates of anxiety and depressive symptoms.

Friendships wither, workplaces lose talent, and family members drift. Long-term exposure can even exacerbate physical health issues; chronic stress elevates cortisol, impairing immune response.

How to Confront Passive-Aggressive Behavior

A. Check Your Assumptions

Before labeling someone passive-aggressive, gather observable facts: missed deadlines, contradictory statements, or sarcastic comments. Separate interpretation from concrete data.

B. Name the Pattern Calmly

Use “I” statements:

“I noticed the report wasn’t finished and I felt confused, because I thought we agreed on yesterday. Is something getting in the way?”

Avoid accusations such as “You’re sabotaging me,” which elicit defensiveness.

C. Set Clear Expectations

Provide specific action steps and mutually agreed deadlines. Transparency leaves less room for covert resistance.

D. Offer Psychological Safety

People often weaponize passive-aggression when they fear backlash. Emphasize that honest disagreement is welcome:

“I’d rather you tell me if you think the timeline isn’t realistic.”

E. Establish Consequences

If patterns continue, outline fair consequences: revised responsibilities, formal performance plans, or relationship boundaries.

F. Model Directness

Demonstrate emotional literacy by articulating your own feelings and needs without judgment. Modeling invites reciprocity.

Rewiring Passive-Aggressive Patterns in Therapy

At Nurture Your Nature Psychotherapy, we employ a blend of:

• Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to identify distorted beliefs about conflict.

• Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for emotion-regulation and interpersonal effectiveness skills.

• Schema-Focused Interventions that address childhood beliefs like “I’ll be rejected if I’m angry.”

Through role-plays and homework, clients practice assertiveness: owning emotions, stating limits, and negotiating compromise. In-office sessions and Online Therapy Brooklyn telehealth options replicate real-world scenarios—texting a boss, confronting a roommate, or clarifying dating expectations—while the therapist coaches real-time.

Finding Help through Brooklyn Therapy Resources

New York’s cultural density offers rich mental-health resources, yet sorting them can overwhelm. Whether you seek weekly in-person Brooklyn Psychotherapy along the tree-lined streets of Park Slope or a flexible teletherapy schedule that travels with you, keep these tips in mind:

1. Credentials Matter – Look for LCSWs, LMHCs, or psychologists trained in evidence-based modalities.

2. Personality Fit – Research finds the therapeutic alliance predicts outcomes more than any single technique. Schedule consultations.

3. Specialization – If passive-aggression relates to trauma, couples issues, or workplace stress, ask providers about targeted experience.

4. Insurance Navigation – Many Brooklyn Therapy practices accept out-of-network benefits and provide superbills. Clarify finances early.

Nurture Your Nature Psychotherapy offers both sliding-scale rates and group workshops that teach assertive communication skills. Our licensed team of Brooklyn Therapists tailors treatment plans, integrating mindfulness, somatic awareness, and relational repair.

Final Thoughts: From Resentment to Resolution

Passive-aggressive behavior flourishes in environments where candid emotion feels unsafe. Yet conflict need not be a battlefield; handled skillfully, it becomes fertile soil for intimacy, creativity, and growth. By learning to name emotions, set boundaries, and seek professional guidance—whether through traditional Brooklyn Psychotherapy or convenient Online Therapy Brooklyn—individuals and communities can convert simmering resentment into cooperative energy.

If you recognize passive-aggressive tendencies in yourself or loved ones, remember that indirect hostility masks legitimate needs. Bringing those needs to light, with empathy and firmness, frees relationships from an exhausting guessing game. At Nurture Your Nature Psychotherapy, we stand ready to walk that journey toward openness, resilience, and authentic connection.

Ready to take the first step? Reach out today and Schedule your Appointment Online Now or Call Us at (646) 470-4174 to get started Today!